New focus for What Now Jan blog

For the past two years, I've written about the progression of Bob, who had a ruptured brain aneurysm and brain surgery. He has beat all odds and has survived with little damage. I believe the damage will correct itself over time. The damage is only his short term memory loss. Many times, Bob doesn't remember what we did during the day. He, also, still thinks he's in Iowa. The past five years that he has been in Oregon have been misfiled in his brain. As soon as the file is found, five years will be regained.

This blog will take a new focus. I recently had a procedure done called CCSVI, Chronis Cerebro Spinal Venous Insufficiency. In layman's' terms, my jugular veins weren't working properly. They weren't allowing an adequate amount of oxygen to flow to my lower body; hence, my muscles weren't working properly. The procedure is not a cure for multiple sclerosis, but it is supposed to alleviate many of the symptoms.

I had the procedure two weeks ago. My progress so far is an increase in humph. I'm not as content to sit in my wheelchair. I feel every ache in my butt and legs when I sit too long. I guess that's a good thing; however, since I've sat in a wheelchair for the majority of six years, my legs have atrophy. I have little endurance, so I can't stand long. It's a double-edge sword for now.

Each week, I will post a "week-end" update to journal my progression. Keep your fingers crossed.

ONE YEAR

It has been one year since Bob has been home from his 10 1/2 month hospital stay. My how time flies. The past year flew by faster than the year before. Bob had a one year checkup on Friday. His CT Scan shows no blood on the brain and no pressure. All of his blood work is normal. His blood pressure good. The doctor advised him to lose weight. Which Dr. hasn't? Anyway, if he loses weight, his blood pressure problem may go away. He is on a very small dose of blood pressure medicine, so exercise may correct that. I told Bob that he has no more excuses for not exercising or eating right or being forgetful. I still look back at what all of the medical professional said. Their doubts of Bob's recovery were "for the birds". I never doubted Bob's recovery for one minute. Call it denial or what you want, but Bob is here; that's what I know!

Coffee, the miracle liquid...

After Bob's stroke, his personality has become very mellow. He doesn't take any medications that slow him down. People are misinterpreting Bob's mellowness for not being "with" it.

Bob drank an entire pot of coffee before his stroke, but after his stroke he'd drink maybe one or two in the morning. I don't drink coffee, so I don't know the "real" effects that it has on the body. I can only observe the increased speed in the drinker's movements and speech. However, I believe it is a under-estimated drug. A friend of ours suggested giving Bob an entire pot of coffee again to see if that would wind Bob up. So, I did that very thing everyday this week. And, amazingly enough, it worked. Bob was thinking and talking normally. He wasn't as mellow.

And the dilemma goes on...

I'm still debating in my head about giving up my life's passion of education verses making money. What a debate, right? I've been in education for so long, and I'm good at it. Heavens, I have an Ed. D. Of course, I know a lot. However, what educator makes a lot of money. Some do; however, there are 100 times that many that don't. The saying goes, "If I wanted to make money, I wouldn't be a teacher." Or, "I want to teach children to learn. I'm not in it to make money."

So...my entire life doesn't have to revolve around teaching. I can still teach my online class. I can still tutor. I can still consult. I can still write.

There...my debate is done. Time for a full-out career change.

I've been studying still to take the broker's test. By listening to Bob talk to clients, asking him lots of questions, and taking a four week online class that is teaching trading, I'm getting closer to being able to take the test.

Bob is continuing to recover. We are in the process of planning the details of our wedding. I think he has cried everyday about it. Joyful tears. Of course. He is such an emotional person. He's so sweet.

Concrete vs. Abstract...

As I study to become a commodities broker, I'm finding that there are more details that will drive me insane, if nothing else. I'm finding that I'm a severely logical person. I am concrete. There is nothing abstract about my thinking whatsoever. I remember at one point in my college career, I took a personality survey. The result said I am a concrete sequential thinker. My guess would be that a commodities broker would not be on the list of potential careers for me. ;-)

Bob tries to explain things to me. He does a great job; however, trading is not a science, so any kind of explanation doesn't penetrate my logical brain. He just grins and says positively, "You'll get it."

Physically and mentally, Bob gets stronger everyday. When I look back at last Christmas, Bob is 300% better. He's such a miracle.

GREAT TEACHER...

My new found love is the "Sing Off". I believe it might top American Idol. These singers show great talent because they sing with absolutely no music. Amazing!

Bob is a wonderful teacher when it comes to teaching me about commodities. He knows so much. When I ask questions, his eyes light up like mine do when I walk into an antique store. My eyes get the size of saucers.

Me? Over-protecting? ...

I read an article written by a spouse whose wife was 56 years old and had a level 4 ruptured brain aneurysm. The medical staff did not think she was going to survive, and when she did survive, they didn't think she would be able to get out of bed, or if she did get out of bed, she would be quite disabled. Sound familiar?

His wife survived, has no signs of the occurrence, except for weak muscles from laying so long and the need to write on post-it notes for everything to remember to do.

One thing he mentioned in the article that made me think was that since he had to become an advocate for his wife, because the medical staff were basing his wife's treatment as though she was not going to survive or be capable of doing things for herself, he became over-protective. Now, that her recovery is progressing, he continues to unknowingly over-protect, which, doesn't allow her to have trial and error for her to relearn things that may have been forgotten. Like Bob, she has all of her long-term memory; she just needs to write a lot of notes for present day occurrences. (heck, I need to do that!)

Anyhow, what he said made me think that I have a tendency too to be such a "mother hen" now. Maybe, I need to back up and let Bob do for himself. He has also become quite dependant on me. He doesn't leave me out of his sight for very long. I thought it was cute, but, maybe, it's not a good thing for his recovery. I'm his security blanket, I suppose.

BOB PASSED...

Once again, Bob has proven all of the medical professionals wrong. He passed the branch office managers test for brokers! Woo-hoo! OHSU doctors never thought he'd get out of bed. The VA medical staff said he may never go back to work as a broker. I "thumbed" my nose at all of them. Now, I can be the Italian that I've learned to be and flick my hand under my chin and say "Ba-fungle". (That's not how you spell it, but use you're imagination.) In other words...F*** You! Bob said, "All of the above was fun."

I also told Bob, since he passed the test, his memory has returned (because he had to learn and memorize new stuff), he gets no more slack from me when it comes to memory. Therefore, I get diamonds at every holiday, birthday, and special event. :-) NO REMINDERS!

Bob still has some physical strength things to work on, like leg endurance, leg strength, back strength, and leg flexibility.

crossing fingers...

I think I'm going to have to post something on this blog more frequently than once a week. I feel like I'm leaving my readers hanging in midair with nothing to read.

Bob did well this past week. We are studying for him to take a branch manager's test on Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed that he passes. When that is done, then it's time for me to study for the broker's test. I'll take you on that journey. I can tell you, what I've learned so far is that the world evolves around a bunch of people making guesses. Right or wrong, doesn't matter. I think they are educated guesses, but maybe not. I have to learn the "waiting" time length after the guess.

Need a stocking stuffer? Go to www.travel-mobility.com to order a personal medical information book. Fill out the family history, then give the book to a child of yours.

Who me? OCD?...

Wow, I think I went through some type of withdrawals not blogging for one week. After posting just about everyday since May '09, I think a habit was formed. 528 posts! I don't even think I stayed at a job that long. Well, maybe a few days longer, but, not many more. I get bored easily.


Bob and I are getting all of the kinks worked out of partnering as cohorts in Lakes Trading. It's interesting and frustrating to pair up a hoarder of all paperwork with a perfectionist who has OCD tendencies. PICTURE THAT!


I, also, need to be developing things. Answering phones and reading about what's happening in the world is not my "cup of tea". It's also bad reading when there are grammar and punctuation errors. ugh... drives me bonkers :-/

I looked back to see what Bob and I were doing one year ago today. Bob was recovering so well that he was ready to break free from the VA. His eyes weren't working well together though; however, today, they coordinate great. We played strategy games that were quite easy; today, I have to concentrate on challenging games that we play, if I want to come close to winning. "WE'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY." (Am I bad? Talk about bad writing. I made a mistake in last year's blog. embarrassing)

Your challenge...

I happened upon a few websites, like Today Show, Oprah, and Regis and Kelly, who do weddings for "special" people. I believe Bob and I are unique special people, but I felt weird boasting about my commitment to Bob. I thought it should be coming from Bob; however, he doesn't remember, as well as, he doesn't realize the number of blogpage posts that I posted.

So there's a challenge for all of you, my dedicated readers. There have been over 36,000 times my readers have logged into whatnowjan.com. Who would be more perfect to tell their perception of our story than the you, the reader.

Much better day...

Much, much better day today. I felt like I was talking to the "normal" t. (Is t normal? hmm.. debatable) ;-) Bob tried to teach me some basics about commodity trading. His last comment to me was, "You're making this a lot harder than it really is." I need to take the brokers test to become an actual broker in order to help with the clients. (I already have ideas for visual materials to publish. I can't totally transfer away from my instinct to teach.)

Bob actually voluntarily rode the exercise bike today for 20 minutes. We are fixing up a part of our garage to be an exercise area. Think that will motivate us to exercise? Time will tell.

Two friends from the band Bob plays in back in Minnesota called today. The calls helped his mind stay clear. At least that's my opinion.

paranoia or denial?...

I'm not sure if I'm overly paranoid or in denial. A few days ago, Bob had a lousy day. Then, the next two days, he is better in some ways, but other ways not. He is still sleeping in his chair more than usual. I believe it's because he doesn't get up to move. I keep telling him to stand up and do some jumping jacks. (That would be funny.) Am I in denial? I don't want the same thing to happen as 18 months ago. Eighteen months ago, the day before Bob had his stroke, he slept all day. Bob doesn't have his shunt in his head anymore, so is there fluid building up inside his skull? Am I paranoid? Should I relax?

I emailed the doctor to see if she'd order a CAT Scan just to ease my worries. Haven't heard back yet.

A liitle reminder of a few months ago...

Today was not a good day for Bob. I feel like he took a few months step back today. He sat in his wheelchair all day. He slept most of the day in his wheelchair. When he was awake, he wasn't "with it". He seemed confused about a lot of things. He didn't have very good bladder control, either. One time during the day, Bob got so angry that he showed a mean side of him that I've never seen before. Scary...

I watched him like a hawk. His behavior was making me nervous. He kept telling me things were fine. It was rainy and cloudy; maybe he had a little "blues"

Usual day...

What can I say? It is Saturday. We cleaned all day. I won a game of Backgammon. Bob won one game. Penn State lost, bad. Ducks are still playing, but winning by 2 points. I helped Aunika with her Master's homework. Bob slept some of the day. We talked shop. No exercise. Ate dinner; Aunika cooked. :) (write that on a calendar! It doesn't happen often, but it was good.) I worked on my online class. Then, it was bedtime. Bob had a down day when it came to memory. He seemed tired.

Typical day.

Guess what I did...

You will not even guess what I caught myself doing tonight! I was sitting at the dinner table all by myself in the quiet. No, that's not the weird thing. The weird thing that I caught myself doing was reading a Corn and Soybean magazine, and, understanding it! OMG, what is going to be next? Wearing overalls and a flannel shirt? No, pink Carhartts tucked into Muck boots with pig poop stuck to the sides. hahahahaha.... If anyone knows me, that's way too funny!

Bob and I are alike in more ways...

As I read a national MS (Multiple Sclerosis) magazine today, I realized that Bob and I are "in the same boat" on some health issues. Bob had an attack on his brain, and MS attacks parts of the brain that prohibits signals to go to the muscles. For example, he has a neurological health problem and so do I. Sometimes, cognitively, our brains don't work well. Bob's is slow on memory, and my memory to come up with words sometimes doesn't work well either. My memory isn't as extensive as his, but it's similar.

We both get tired easily. At times, I'd like to contribute that to age, however, I'm not even 50 yet. I get tired, because I have to work so hard to get my muscles to move. Bob has to work hard too, because he laid for so long, and he has drop-foot, which requires him to lift his left leg higher when he walks.

Woo-hoo!!!...

I had the crap scared out of me today. Bob and I were going through our normal morning routine of, "Where do we live?" "What state do we live in?" "Where is that in the US?"... Usually, on the first question, Bob answers "Roseburg" after a long, digging deep in his brain pause. Then, I follow up with the remainder of the questions. This morning he answered, "Roseburg, 2147 SE Lois Drive, Roseburg, OR 97470." I asked him, "Where'd you come up with that?" (because he always needs coaxed to give the full addressed) He responded, "Well, that's where we live!"

Boy, did that moment feel so weird, but wonderful at the same time. Isn't it funny how memory fools the one with memory loss and the one who deals with another's memory loss.

Bob has another day of silence. I still have laryngitis. His hearing is being challenged now. So far so good.

Silence is golden sometimes...

I woke up this morning with laryngitis. My kids love it, but they miss me yelling. See, it's the small things that mean the most.

There was no yelling in the Lakes Trading office either. Anytime I felt my t mess up or he refused to do something, I couldn't raise my voice; it just squeaked. The only thing I could do was jut my bottom jaw/teeth out, wrinkle my brow, and give a little snarl.

I believe I had a "light bulb" moment. I think some of Bob's slow thinking problem has to do with self-confidence. He has been well aware of his lack of short-term memory. He doesn't want to answer questions or have many conversations for fear of being wrong. Maybe it's partially my fault for correcting him so many times. I've been answering for him for a year and a half. It's become a habit. I keep picturing myself as a little old bitty that won't let her husband stand up for himself. That's not a vision I want to portray.

A glimpse to reality...

Bob is recovering miraculously. He survived an event that most people don't live through to talk about. Funny thing is, Bob lived through it, but can't talk about it either. :-/

Even though I've portrayed things as being back to normal, let me give you some downsides. I keep saying Bob's memory is getting better each day. Well, it is; however, he can't remember to take his medicine each day; he doesn't remember where our bedroom is (most days); he doesn't remember where the bathroom is (he asks where it is just about every time.); he hasn't remembered our address, and he doesn't remember how to do basic tasks. I need to retrain him on how to do things; which is ok, I can train him how I want things done, and he doesn't question me or give me a suggestion on how to do the task differently. (I bet all the females reading this are jealous!) He calls Zachary "Joe or Isaac", and sometimes thinks my son is visiting for the weekend.

Bob doesn't remember most of our conversation, though, the conversations are educated and nice while they are going. Bob knows he doesn't remember. He tries so hard and is determined to remember; he just can't. It will come. I know it will. I haven't given up. You know me- Will I give up? No.